I tried to find the Glee version of the song with Jane Lynch. No such luck.
Anyway. It seems like forever and a day ago now that you all decided that I should join the gym in order to improve my life. First off, everyone who voted for that option, I hate you and if I knew who you were I would defriend you on Facebook. Yeah, I hate you that much.
I procrastinated for a couple weeks. I was absolutely dreading going to the gym. Long story short, one day I was finally bored enough to go find one and join. Luckily, there's a Gold's gym down the road from where I live. I went in and joined. All the while cringing and hating you guys (because clearly you all are the ones to blame).
I decided to jump right in and went the next day. I thought I was going to have no stamina whatsoever and have to stop and go have a cigarette break a la Carrie from Sex and the City, but actually I did pretty well. Within a couple days, my aerobic workout consisted of 15 minutes on the bike on a medium setting and 10 on the elliptical machine. The elliptical, I hate more than anything in this world. I have this theory that the devil himself designed it, tested it for a few weeks on the denizens of the third circle of hell (reserved for gluttons) and then unleashed the demonic device upon the earth.
Aside from the usual "I cant breathe make this thing stop" I also get severe motion sickness from being on it. I've started popping a dramamine, you know that pill you give a dog before a long car trip, before going to the gym so I don't throw up over the side onto all the super-buff people. Pretty sure that's just asking for an ass kicking.
For joining, I also got a free personal training session. Now, for those of you who know of my...history with trainers, don't get too excited. I have an appointment later this week with a woman named Jane Seymour. Yes, Jane Seymour. As in Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. I've seen her around the gym before. Imagine for a second that lesbian sex could yield in a baby, now imagine Chyna from WWE and Xena: Warrior Princess as the product of their union, and you have an Amazonian woman with a scary resemblance to Beth from Dog the Bounty Hunter. I'm terrified. If I don't do exactly what she says, or try and quit before she says to quit, I'm going to get bear-maced in the face.
Anyway, I've been going steadily three or four times a week since I joined. I've probably lost about 10 pounds so far. But seeing as I needed to lose 103044335959 pounds, I still have a long way to go.
...So I went back through this post to try and count the pop-culture references I managed to jam into this one post, and I lost count. Or maybe I really want a cigarette and just gave up.
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