As the incomparable Pat Benatar says, love is a battlefield. Filled with the land-mines known as heartbreak, the unwanted l-bomb, and riddled with the bodies of the unfortunate victims of unrequited love. Liars and cheats strike when you are already lost behind enemy lines, and then there's always the guerilla sniper lying in wait when you have finally taken shelter in the bunker of celibacy.
It's time for triage. If, like me, you've suffered from one too many bad breakups and have become completely jaded and unmoved by anything remotely sentimental, and truly believe that the concept of "true love" was acquired in a buyout from Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by cubic zirconia encrusted piece, Valentine's Day is a day to batten down the hatches with a bottle of vodka and hope for the best.
Here are some of my coping strategies that will get you through this God-foresaken day.
- Take a Page Out of Bridget Jone's Diary--Instead of resigning yourself to a life of spinsterhood and eventually being found dead in your apartment half eaten by wild dogs, choose vodka. and Chaka-Kahn. I recommend Ketel One, but any brand with which you are comfortable will do.
- Best Friends Forever!--When you're feeling down and out, a good friend can be a lifesaver. Especially when combined with vodka. and Chaka-Kahn.
- The Anti-Disney--Watch the movie Closer. In addition to featuring a stellar cast and great performances, the overall message of the movie seems to deny the existence of true love. GREAT anti-Valentine's Day movie.
- Narcissism--I've always been a fan of being self-centered, and Valentine's Day is a perfect excuse for all of you who aren't self-absorbed. Make a list of all the great things about yourself. Or put on your totally hottest outfit and strut around. With vodka. and Chaka-Khan. Rock out, and just keep reminding yourself of how awesome you are! In the words of Lady Gaga, "Don't be a drag, just be a queen!" So get all dolled up for no other reason than to celebrate yourself.
I hope this helps all of you. These tips and tricks have served me well over the years.
And for those of you who have someone, make sure you treat them right and show them how much they mean to you. Some of us singles may hate you, but know it's strictly jealousy and deep down we're happy for you :)
Remember to vote on how to run my life!!
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