I was trying to think of a good song to post relating to adventure, traveling, getting lost, etc. But all I could think of was that song from Pocahontas "Just Around the Riverbend," and anyone who knows my feelings about Disney will know how painful the past few hours have been for me. *shudder* So I'm going to let you all decide on your own soundtrack for this post...I might recommend something from the Deliverance soundtrack, but there was no river involved. Wait...there was...but eh.
So yesterday, I was doing a favor for my mother and taking her car across state lines to North Carolina to get her car re-registered and inspected. There's a little town right across the border, called Eden, which after my day of adventure truly did seem like Paradise.
Normally, I'm good with directions. All you have to do is listen to the GPS, and you're good to go. Well, that works if you actually keep your GPS updated, but the one in mother's car hasn't been updated since 2006. So, an hour long trip to North Carolina turned into a three hour excursion through the Wilds along the border of two states.
So. For three hours, I tried to travel 12 miles (yes, only 12 miles), and in the meantime, I got to see a variety of interesting things that I thought only existed in the fictional South. Here is a list of bona fide sights you can see in the middle of nowhere. Note: I swear on my life I really, honestly, saw these things. If you don't believe me, somehow manage to get lost for a few hours along the Virginia-North Carolina border and see for yourself.
- Billboards featuring pictures of aborted fetuses to promote the Pro-life agenda.
- One of those scary right-wing militia bases. At least, I think that's what it was. It was a steel bunker built into the side of a small hill. It was either a militia base, a bomb shelter, or some sort of missile launchpad.
- A custom-made road sign for a trailer's driveway, saying COONHUNTER LANE. I don't think he meant raccoons. Maybe this KKK member owned the militia base?
- Small, barefoot children playing on a derelict tow-truck. As I drove by, a small boy was swinging from the rusty hook. Are these people genetically mutated to be immune to tetanus?
- Signs, everywhere, saying things like "Cut spending!!" It seems to me like they should be asking for MORE spending...half the roads I was lost on didn't weren't even paved, and children were barefoot in a junkyard. What the fuck.
- Dogs that chased my car. Normally, I would find this adorable. But these damn dogs stood like sentries in the middle of the road, barking, and then flank my car and stand in front of me.
- Absolutely NO cell reception. I couldn't call anyone for help. It was like that movie. I was just waiting for the car to breakdown, then I have to go ask to use the phone, and then Leatherface whacks my head off with that chainsaw. Then he steals my face.
I realized, after a very long time, that I had to travel due south. Luckily, I learned back when I was a boy-scout how to judge directions by the position of the sun in the sky. I needed the sun to be on my left. So, I traveled down yet more untrodden roads and across horse-bridges (yes, HORSE-bridges) to try and find south.
10 minutes after I made this realization, I found the highway. Yes. I was that much of a dumbass. For hours I was literally 10 minutes away from the highway...god. DAMN.
Of course, by the time I made it to my destination, all the garages were closed and the DMV closed at noon. In the end, the trip was totally useless. Except I got to see some AMAZING sights along the way.
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